Hi there

Today I had the most bizarre conversation with myself. "If you take all the people issues out of the equation, you are doing really great." I said as I lay in bed with the covers over my head.  I did not want to have to get up and face the issues at work, within my family or with my friends. I would stay in bed all day and write I decided.  Well, that did not comfort me either because there is relating in that too.  Someone is going to have to publish my book, someone is going to need to buy my book and those thoughts always plague my writing. 

Then the old saying hit me: I am not an island and everything in life only is because of the interaction with others.  Nothing would have any meaning or purpose if it were not coupled with the relating to another human being. 

I teach that we are all the king of our own chess game, but that we would never be able to play alone.  The other pieces are all the people within our lives and although they are there to ensure the king finishes the game, each piece avoids being beaten along the way too.  That is what relating is all about is it not?  Entwining ourselves in each other's lives without losing our individuality along the way?

I spent the next few hours reflecting on my personal understanding of what it means to 'relate' and found myself either reminiscing over relationships past or pondering the solutions to current ones.  No matter where my mind took me, I kept stumbling upon five very clear lessons:

Lesson one

Some dates are never forgotten and the 29th of November 2003 is one of those for me.  Not only was it the 30th birthday party of my precious friend, Lawrence but it was also the day I met the person who would change my life forever, thanks to the Divine coordination of the seating arrangements and the stranger who sat opposite me.  Lawrence had spoken with such admiration about his spiritual teacher, but had failed to mention her impulsive need to speak her mind without attempting to dance around what she, as an intuitive, saw.

"You are a doormat" was the first thing she said to me.

Instead of despising her, I opened myself to her offer to become her student. 

Over the next two and a half years I actively worked on healing the fearful and weak person I portrayed to the world.

She showed me how I allowed myself to be bullied, humiliated and disrespected by countless individuals. Through her guidance, I grew to love myself and put myself first.  Yet of all the lessons she taught me, nothing was more valuable than watching her relate to people. For the first time, I witnessed someone love and respect themselves before anybody else.  If you think that is a selfish statement then tell me why she was surrounded by a loving husband, beautiful children, wonderful friends and adoring students?  Tell me why she oozed happiness and lived an abundantly full life? Tell me why, even with the tongue of a serpent that spat venomous truth out into the world, she was respected by every individual her passed her way?

There was one problem though: I was no longer a doormat and I did not want to be told how to do anything, so when I began to co-teach with her, our relationship began to feel the strain.  She could not have been surprised when I told her I would not do it her way and I was not surprised when she gave me the option to back out of being her partner. 

After the conversation we never spoke again.

Truthfully, I was devastated at the ease with which she allowed me to walk out of her life and even more honestly, it only dawned on me a few weeks ago the lesson she had taught me.

The Lesson

When you stand in the truth of who you are and know what it means to love yourself and live fearlessly, then you do not need to hold onto anyone who no longer relates to you.

Lesson two

No one understands the relationship between Lawrence and I and we do not completely comprehend it most of the time either.  One week we are friends, the next month we have deleted each other from our Facebook (a clear indication that a friendship is over).  We fall apart when both of us put ourselves first and the other sees it as selfish. How silly is that? We are supposed to be the most important person in our own lives, yet we hurt each other when we stand in our highest truth. 

Sadly, tragedy always silences the Ego and we reunite to be pillars of strength for each other during trying times.

The last time we fought, my father was dying and Lawrence was emigrating, yet instead of being there for one another or communicating our inability to be there for each other, we ended up hating.  He emigrated, my father died and Ego won the battle. 

It was not until I received the most devastating email that I learned a very valuable lesson about how to relate.

Lawrence's sister had passed away and he was coming home for the funeral.  Never once did I not feel that my friend needed me, yet I was petrified to stand in front of him just in case I was the last face he wanted to see. In my heart however, not for one moment did I believe my fears. 

I pride myself on attempting to be brave, but walking into the crowd on the day of the funeral was one of the most petrifying things I have done.  The last time we communicated we were both selfish, harsh and unforgiving.

His face lit up and my heart pounded with excitement, amidst all the tragedy, we held each other and did not even bother apologising because we both knew there was nothing to apologise for.

The Lesson

Even when you stand in your truth, it might not be accepted by the ones you love and you might have to let them go.  However, the ones who truly love will open their eyes to your empowerment and return to share your life with you once again.

Lesson three

I still have friends that I met in play school, when we related because we both loved Barbie and playing in the sandpit.  One such childhood friend and I used to play a game called 'what if?' and we would spend hours setting up scenarios that at our young age, we did not see as constant tests of the friendship.  Of all the 'what if's' we played, never once did we ask each other what would happen when we did not agree with the other's way of tackling fear.

All of a sudden we do not relate and disagree on how to work our way through obstacles such as our fears, self worth and respect for the other. 

My childhood friend has even admitted her fears and insecurities to me. I have stated my case and she has empathised with me, yet we still do not relate.

I have attempted to empathise with her inability to speak her truth for fear of ever hurting anyone. She has tried to understand that I would rather take a step back from our decades of friendship for fear of ever falling into the trap of being a doormat again.

I have never been more hurt by a friend in my life and have never known myself to hurt someone I love so much.  Yet she has always been afraid of hurting and I have been afraid of being hurt.  How true that what we fear most comes upon us?

Sadly, in order to save the friendship I faced the fear of being humiliated and disrespected and was treated in the only way I swore I would never be treated again.  My dearest friend only treated me this way because she swore she would never put herself in a fearful situation of confrontation again, which I forced her to do.   We both failed!

We have gone on a spree of detrimental sabotage and have hurt each other over again in the ironic attempt at saving a friendship that we never thought would be less than perfect all our lives.

The Lesson

Time and history does not make a relationship.  This journey is about growing and changing and if you cannot faces fears and help each other push your boundaries then rather surrender and walk away before you destroy each other.

Lesson four

I offer the service of counselling online and was contacted by a twenty nine year old guy who had broken away from a very religious upbringing in order to explore the world of free thinking and enlightenment.  One of the first things he did was embark on an intimate relationship in order to revel in the wonderment of sex.  Along his many paths of spiritual searching he stumbled across the teaching of Tantra and wanted nothing more than to explore this very powerful form of meditation and intimacy.  I spent hours online with him explaining that Tantra was not only about sex.  He understood about the meditation and yoga but still wanted the sexual experience of it so I explained that there was a twofold journey: one with the self and the other with a partner.  He expressed his need to explore this form of union with his girlfriend and after telling him to first discuss this with her and get her consent as it is based on sexual, communicative and emotional vulnerability, his truth began to emerge.  He was totally unsatisfied with the intimate relationship he had with his girlfriend and was very worried that she would not want to explore this journey with him.  They never communicated, neither one was satisfying the other, he had needs that she refused to fulfil and if she had needs, he did not know.

I asked him the most important question in any relationship: "Are you having fun?" and his answer was a very obvious "NO".

Sex is based on chemistry and compatibility and although it is the lowest and most raw form of love, it is vital that this energy is sustained and that both partners are being satisfied.

Sadly I did not ever get to share any teachings of Tantra with this young man as he went home to his girlfriend and shared his wishes, which in return she took as a personal attack on her 'womanhood'.  In our last conversation I shared with him that our bodies are our playground and that we were built to orgasm, be adored and in a very spiritual sense - worshipped.  He was saddened that he would never know that and instead of considering that maybe he was not with his equal, he contacted me a few days later to say he felt terrible that he hurt the woman he loved and so he had proposed because when he saw how he hurt her he realised how much he loved her.

I smiled and wished him luck ... he is going to need it.

The Lesson

Not even love is a strong enough reason to put someone else before our own truth and self worth.  We think that because we love someone we have to share a journey with them, but sometimes we have to love them enough to set them free in order to live the ultimate journey - the one with ourselves.     

Lesson five

My father always told us that my mother said she would not say no if he proposed to her and that was less than a week after they began dating.  A week was too long for my mom as she went home the night they met and told my grandmother she would marry my father.  Six weeks later they were married. 

After 43 years my dad moved on to another world and left my mom behind.  The pain she has endured without the love of her life is beyond my comprehension and the saddest thing I have witnessed.

My parents lived a fairytale from the moment they met and the last words my dad ever said to my mom were that he loved her.

Growing up I watched my parents in terrible turmoil on every level from emotional to financial and many times I questioned their love for each other.  Sometimes I looked at my mother and wondered why my father ever stayed and other times I empathised with my mother and thought it wise to run as far from my father as possible.

My parents even went through stages where they considered leaving each other and I remember my father packing a suitcase on more than one occasion, sitting in his car for a few hours and then returning inside to carry on their great love affair.

She loves music; he hated it.  He watched the news in every language; it irritated the hell out of her.  She takes ages to get ready; he ground his jaw in impatience.  He drove her insane and in return she drove him crazy. 

Did they even relate at all?

The Lesson

Relating has nothing to do with enjoying the same things or seeing eye to eye, communicating or even loving. Relating is purely based on your self worth and fearlessness to explore your own personal boundaries in harmony with someone very special.  Do not leave if the other hurts you, leave if you hurt yourself.

Be it a friend, lover, business partner, parent or sibling - always remember that the journey of relating is all about you and that the other person is there to give you opportunities to grow, change, stay or leave.  If however, you remain in fear and do not take the opportunities within every relationship to push your own boundaries, face your fears and do that which scares you most, the only person you are not relating to is yourself.

Contemplate this ...

Every relationship should end in harmony.

Oh God Knows

The reward for bravery is not always instant...sometimes you have to sit in it for a while.

I'm trying things differently. I'm saying things that I want to say to others which I wouldn't have said before. And the effect is not patently different yet. As a result my mind (my unconditionally loving ego) is trying, at every opportunity, to convince me that it is not worth it.

"You see", I hear it say to me, "he responded badly. You should not have said that!"

And so the cage starts to form around me. An imaginary cage created from my concern, my worry, my angst. Every day that goes by feels like torture. My mind plays it all over to me, again and again.

How often have you heard people say that "the truth will set you free"? Do you really believe them? Do you understand what it means: the truth? The truth is what you keep from yourself, hidden in the shadows you don't want to look at. Truth is what scares you. Truth is what sets you free. "Yes, yes, you've said that already", I hear you say in unison. I have, but did you hear it?

You also have a cage around you ... a cage of fear and lies.

I see my mind racing onto the next level, telling me what to do, what I should have done, what I should have said. It upsets me. Tears well up in my eyes. Why does this happen when all I want is peace? All I want is to be happy. And I am...happy. I think. Oops, there it goes again...analysing...criticising. It never stops. There is a lesson there: it never stops. So there is no benefit in trying to stop it. Sit and watch it. Watch the movie in your mind, realising you are a spectator. Then you will notice just how damaging it is to your truth. That is not its intention; it is an all-loving protective energy that just wants to keep you safe because it loves you so much. Allow it that. Give it that. But never allow it to be your master. The mind as master is a cage like no other that can drive you to the point of distraction.

I sit and I cry. "I should not have said it", my mind tells me. Yet I know it was right. It is what I want.

No man is an island and so saying what you want and the resultant experience can be quite surprising because you are speaking to people when you say it; you are relating to people on their own journey, living in their own self-created cage, enjoying the safety of their lies and the refuge of their minds. They bring with them their own history and experiences, which their mind has created during its journey of protecting them. Yet their interpretation does not take away from your truth. However, if you are unable to cope with their reaction then you are trying to control the situation and then you are once again in the mind and not your truth. Your truth is so free that it has no expectations. It does not need the other person to say or do anything. It does not even need acknowledgement. It only needs to be voiced.

Be happy, be free, and always speak your truth to yourself and others. It is easier said than done. And the effect is not always instant. I am still waiting to see the effect of my words...

Twitter is my kind of world

Twitter has restored my faith in humanity and if you are not tweeting then you seriously should consider it for an abundance of reasons.  Beyond the social networking that is based a lot on growing your businesses or awareness of millions of products, there is an energy of empathy and humanness that flows through the veins of many in the tweet community.  Here is two such great people that I recommend you follow on twitter as well as through their websites.

The happy guy:

A Daily Dose of Happiness motivates you, inspires you, elevates your spirits each day. This popular, short and free ezine gives you a happy quote, a self-actualization thought or a practical tip on how to be happy (or happier) delivered to your e-mail inbox every day. One day it might be about boosting self-esteem, another day about reducing stress, still another might be about gratitude or meditation or positive thinking.

Follow the happy guy on twitter

Sign up to the daily dose of happiness

The Skin Care Doc:

Andre Hegi is the owner of The skin society that  manufactures a natural line of anti aging products and fast acting treatment such as their Miracle lift. 

Follow the SkinCareDoc on twitter

View the Skin Society products and treatments

I am beginning to feel that this will become a regular feature, as the amount of incredible people I want to share with the world is growing abundantly.

Don't forget to follow us on twitter now!

Follow Jodene

Follow Greg

Because, no man is an Island ...

Jodene & Greg