Blog

What Jodene talks about:
The cornerstone of a relationship with the self and with a partner all hinges on your personal bond with your sexuality and sexual self. In a time when self esteem is shattered, there is a way to heal the wholeness of your being. Inturn you allow yourself permission to build the foundation for a loving, lasting and faithfully solid union with a partner.

Your body was deliberately designed to orgasm, have fun and enjoy an array of sexual pleasures. All we need to do is step out of the shadows of shame and fear that have stripped us of the innocence and joy with which our sexual appetites should be fulfilled.

Pleasurable, worthy and fulfilling sex is your birth right and the nectar of self worth flows within you upon that discovery. However, secretly countless individuals suffer the silent war with sex and battle to find fulfilment or express their desires and needs.

There is no greater playground than the body, yet so many hold back on letting go and having fun with the adventures of sex. Secretly, many would love to add spice and a dash of dare into the mix.
Sex talks volumes and obstacles of intimacy can be overcome, giving yourself permission to grow as an individual or a couple, through orgasmic euphoria.

Organic Orgasm is being hosted by Sensual Boutique for two nights in Cape Town to answer questions, advice, tips and facts about sex and providing much needed relationship help. Whether having sex or making love, both require a healthy self esteem and comfort in your own sexuality.

This one’s for the ladies:

To book for Tableview: Call 021 556 1316 or email tableview@lipsinc.co.za

To book for Edward Street: Call 021 910 2396 or email edwardstreet@lipsinc.co.za

Last night my sponsor, Huster Girl from Hustler Extreme adult store, gave me these cool (literally) 2 in 1 melts from Durex. I am always one to try new products in the bedroom, thanks to my very generous sponsor. When there is no significant other then I am just as keen to try the array of fun things all by myself. This time, however, I watched the sexy ice cubes melt in their wrapper on the table and imagined throwing them into the freezer, when I got home, to be long forgotten.

This is the first time in my life that I have been struck by a combination of illness and medication that has severely tampered with my sex drive. It has become so extreme that I have removed myself from the dating scene at the present moment and I am relieved that I am single.

The warnings are on all the medication packs and it is a well known fact that illness can tamper with our sex drive. Added to that, I have a physical injury where my lower back is taking months to recover and the last thing my body wants is sex. I didn’t consciously decide that, believe me. I miss being sexual and long for the desire to orgasm. Over the years I have gone on a journey of learning to love and know my physical body and relate to myself sexually and I know the importance of touch and self stimulation, however the spark and need has gone.

I am also an advocate for spreading the message that masturbation and the orgasm is one of the greatest gifts you can give the body in the healing process. It is brilliant for stress, insomnia, depression and even helps with pain at times. Without getting too scientific, the nerves run from the sexual organs and up the spine and send messages to the brain in order to feel sexual or stimulated. When there is any kind dis-ease the last thing the brain is interested in and sometimes the hardest thing for the brain to register are sexual messages.

I surrendered to the reality for months, but after a while I began to feel disconnected from my body and that added a new level of stress and anxiety. We are not programmed like some animals that have mating seasons and only have sexual desires at specific intervals. As a matter of fact, for the health of our sexual organs, we should be sexually stimulated every 3 to 4 days. Yes, that is how often the nerves should send the message to the brain and the desire to either have sex or masturbate should be triggered. If not there are an array of reasons why. Not to panic because the body does have a natural flushing system to help us out. My concern is more about the lack of desire to give our bodies the stimulations it craves and the euphoric release it deserves.

Our bodies were designed to orgasm and we are programmed to be sexual. I have had reports from people on very high doses of medication who should not have the ability to feel sexual stimulation at all and when they have felt the chemistry for another person … well, what do you know! It is possible but far too few of us tell our doctors, therapists or partners about the lack of sex drive. It might be scary or shameful, but someone is there to help.
Once you acknowledge it and admit it, remind yourself that an orgasm is your human right and you want it, then the journey of self discovery can begin. No matter the extent of the trauma, drama or apathy I assure you that there are solutions. Sometimes the intervention of a sexologist or the awareness of your doctors is a vital part of the process, but there are some things that no one can help you with at all: Experiencing your orgasm!

No matter how non sexual we might feel, there is a gift that you can give your body that might even help in triggering the memory of your body’s needs. Touch your body with intention.
I began by focusing on my body while in the shower. It didn’t matter that I was still in agony, I washed myself with tenderness and tried to imagine a sexual experience. Some days all it did was frustrate me, but that is still stimulation of the brain, so don’t shy away from it.

I did the same with applying body lotion and after a while I began to focus more on gently stroking the more intimate parts of my body. Even when I was bed-ridden for a time, I never stopped touching. I never stopped dragging my tired and weary mind to my sexual organs and continued to remind myself that I am a sexual being. Remember that the brain is programmed by conscious thought and just the thought of sexual acts (even without touching or feeling stimulated) are all a part of the healing process. Touch without arousal is also a trigger for the brain to fire up those sexual sparks and help prepare you for the day when you wake and go “Hmmm … what’s that old feeling?”

In the worst of times when you can’t even bring yourself to shower with much self awareness, call for assistance. If you have a partner then ask them to wash your hair, help you bath, rub your back with cream or stroke your sexual organs (without it leading to sex). Go for a massage and allow yourself to feel the power of touch. Stand in the shower and be aware of the water running over your body. It’s not as much about the act of touch than turning the attention of the mind to power of touch.

Lastly, never stop imaging! When the thought of any physical contact to your body is too much to handle, then allow your mind to wander to those intimate places. Imagine a healed you with sexual desires and trust that your body will remember its natural needs and desires.

Please remember that you are not alone and that you can contact me privately: jodene@lifeology.biz for support. More importantly, speak to someone who understands: a sexologist or tell your doctor, lover or closest friend. You will be surprised how many of us are out there and how much it helps to know you are not alone and you CAN indulge in the magic of your sexuality no matter the history or present chaos your body or mind has been through!

I am a mature and intelligent woman, yet I have spent the better part of the morning acting like a clueless teenager and waiting for confirmation of a coffee date from a man I met online. Aside from him rescheduling this arrangement almost a handful of times, there is another reason why I know that this coffee date will never materialise: intuition.

Research shows that social networking has not taken away from the need for human contact. It might have made communicating easier and turned the world into a village, but it is impossible for it to replace who we intrinsically are.
As women, we are intuitive and have a natural instinct to protect ourselves and those who are precious to us. Sadly, the reputation of online dating and meeting partners through social networks is receiving a poor reputation at a rapid rate. It might be a popular form of meeting potentials, but is it laced with doubt and fear?

From my experience and within my circle of friends, we all have the same issue: no one introduces singles anymore. It has become a sink or swim world of and we have all gathered at the online dating pool party.

I believe that everything is born out of a need and hopefully with the best of intention and the same applies for social networking and online dating. It was not designed to keep us safe, be the one place to show a little confidence or replace our intuition.
When an incompatible character walks up to us in a bar, our instincts send out a signal and we are out of there in a flash. We do not talk to someone who is not our type and have a chat just in case their personality outshone chemistry. If we are not certain of our intuition then we tap into a different type of instinct and look at the potential date through different eyes: we have a way of sniffing out the married ones by looking for wedding rings and tan lines on the ring finger. We can tell if our mothers would approve by their offer to buy us a drink or take last seat in the bar.

No, not everyone is cheating, lying or looking for a casual fling. For every action there is a reaction and if you are sincerely open to finding love in the world of social networking then chances are that your equal is out there too.

What is the problem then? Where are the ones who are sincerely looking for love?
I am slowly recovering from a back injury and the one bit of advice I was given was to avoid a back brace at all costs. It was explained to me that it only weakens the body’s natural need to support itself. Eventually the muscles stop doing their job and the body relies on the brace. The same goes for our intuition and the reliance on social networking as a way of screening people instead of relying on our instincts. We know when something is going somewhere almost immediately. If this is untrue then I would not have uttered and heard the words: “I should have known” or “I saw it coming” or “I had a feeling” so often in my dating life.

Granted, intuition takes practice because of our past experiences and lack of trust in our own ability to judge. We have no idea who to give a chance, who to take a risk on, whether to go on the date or if someone’s intentions are sincere.
Your truth is that you do know, you are either too scared to listen or do not know how.

Without destroying my sincere belief that happiness can be found through social networks, I decided to create a few guidelines for online dating that I used for myself. Maybe they apply to you and maybe you need to create your own, but the bottom line is that chatting for months online or seeing if they are real on webcam is like wearing a back brace. It is the false sense of security for fear of trusting your intuition, throwing yourself out there and knowing within moments if you want to return the gesture as if that person where approaching your from across a crowded room.

• If your initial instinct (the one you have within 2.2 seconds) is to run … then run.
• Pay your fees. The higher the price the more you get rid of those people who are just looking for a good time.
• If there is only one picture and they are not prepared to send you another then be weary. If there is no picture at all then I don’t even bother. I am hoping that you are not hiding yours either. If you are afraid of being open and honest in your online dating profile then I would suggest researching alternative methods of meeting singles purely because we attract the very things we fear.
• Make friends on Facebook or another social network with personal details and do it sooner than later. Once again, if that is an issue then warning bells should go off in your gut. In my experience this is the one that warns of an individual who is hiding something big, like a family.
• Unless you are looking for the same thing, do not webcam too soon. This usually gets rid of a large amount of individuals who are hoping for a bit of visual action.
• If you are uneasy to give your telephone number or give your own access to your social networks then work out if you have become that feared sceptic or if you already have the intuitive signals to move on.
• Try talk on the phone within a few online chats because that is what our natural instincts rely on. It is very hard to interpret temperament or mood without using our senses.
• Always stay within integrity of your intentions. If you are looking for long term then stick to that and do not stress about the who will run a mile when they read that on your profile. The right one will not run. Trust me … I have scared many a man off in my dating time.
• Do not fall for the ‘looking for long term’ promise when the request for something physical is offered before dinner is suggested. On the other hand, do not forget the power of chemistry.
• If the conversation is dragging then it is going to do so in person too. I try avoid the one word answers types, but then again I do love to talk.
• Once you are talking then talk. Do not hide behind technology because it is a safe space or has become the norm. Take the lead and answer a sms with a call. No, we are not bunny boilers if we make the call.
• Either we have moved with the times or we have not. Ask them out, take the communication lead and make the call. If you are not feeling comfortable then remind yourself that the right one will not run.
• Make sure you are treated online as you would want to be treated in a relationship. If you do not like the topics of conversation of temperament online then you will not like the person.
• Nothing is as it seems if it is not brought into reality early on in the meeting. I once nearly packed up my life and moved across the world after being asked to. When I reserved the ticket he was horrified that I had actually taken him seriously. Yes, I did say that I knew it all along.
• If you are going to put yourself out there and date then make it clear. Do not stop all communication with one person while you go for coffee for another. Let everyone know so that you do not end up hiding anything or falling out of integrity with yourself. We attract what we send out there, so I go for open and honest.
• Most importantly, trust yourself. We have a 6^th sense and we are not so blind to our own needs that we would walk ourselves into a trap of misery and deception. It is only when we do no trust that intuition that dating online becomes a pool of deceit and misery.

How do I know?
Because in two months time my sister marries the man of her dreams … the one she met on Facebook. Better yet, he lived out of town and she climbed on a plane when her intuition spoke to her. I watched her kiss many frogs and go on countless failed dates from online dating. Trust me, her dating woes nearly scared me off dating for life, until I reminded myself of something: Social networks are like hanging out at a pool party. I began trusting my intuition as though they were approaching me from across the room and have had some beautiful and long lasting relationships that began with an online wink.

This article was originally written for and posted on She’s the geek.

I am safe enough to be vulnerable with my truth

Communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy and fulfilling relationship, yet as lovers the one topic that is not discussed enough is your sex life.  A common problem is the misconception that you should merely know your partner’s desires and dislikes merely because you have a bond. You battle to know yourself, yet you place unnecessary pressure on each other with the expectation of knowing without communication. Sex is many things, but should mostly be fun and satisfying. It needs to be as lasting as a relationship and constantly rekindled, and there is no greater tool than  open and honest communication that is as passionate as your desired sex life.

Unleash the fears around communication and hidden vulnerabilities and create a safe and undisturbed environment where the lights are just dim enough and you are both comfortable enough to breathe, ask, respond, have fun, tell the truth and make love with your eyes wide open.

I trust you with my truth

Ask each other:

What is your difference between having sex and making love?

What is the best relationship advice that you have ever received?

What is a secret sexual fantasy that you haven’t shared with me?

What is your most daring sexual desire that you don’t have to make a reality, but it’s fun to think about anyway?

How often would you like to have sex?

What words do you want to hear during lovemaking?

What sexual experience that we’ve had would you like to relive?

What part of your body feels neglected during sex?

Which sex toys or sexy props could spice it up for you?

If I don’t say so, how do you know that I want to have sex?

Describe the way I smell.

Do you masturbate without me knowing?

What everyday things make you think of sex?

What would you like me to do more of to pleasure you?

What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?

Do you ever feel intimidated or scared during sex?

What adventurous place would you like to have sex?

What distractions do you think stops me most from wanting sex?

Would you enjoy including game playing into sex? What kind of games?

Do you envy other couple’s sex lives? What makes theirs sounds so much better?

I have a very strong personality and am not easily manipulated, yet I have found myself close to giving up the idea of the condom when having a sexual encounter with a man that I don’t know well enough to have unprotected sex with. That is easily determinable and if you don’t know their medical status with regards to STD’s or you are not in a committed relationship (whatever that may mean in today’s world) then you should not be having unprotected sex. I have had to have a very serious conversation with a man who told me that he refuses to use a condom and if that’s my choice, then we won’t be having sex. We didn’t …
From my open communication with my sexual partners, I understand how the condom is so restrictive for men. The natural feeling of vaginal lubrication is both erotically stimulating and obviously a much more pleasurable feeling when not restricted by a condom. Therefore the full pleasure of sex can be denied and the male ego doesn’t get to enjoy the magnificence of his ejaculation either. Don’t think women aren’t missing out on the sensation that the body experiences from passionately exploding semen. Our bodies were built to react to unprotected sex and we all agree that the condom makes it very unnatural.

I can’t speak for all women, but I can speak for the fearful side of me who worries that I might lose a man if I refuse unprotected sex. What happens if he is a potential long term relationship? I also have the worry of not finding someone else if I lose the guy who wants the unprotected sex. Don’t we all worry that there won’t be someone else out there? Although I have these fears floating through my mind, I am more prone to putting myself first and the ego of a potential lover second. I know that I have missed out on lovers because of my choice. I have also been in an intimate relationship where we never had penetrative sex because of his refusal to use condoms. Even though the sexual encounters went of for a while and our bond grew, we were not committed and I didn’t trust the stories of his clean bill of health. We had fun, but the rules stuck even though our views on the condom differed.

As a woman, I am very aware that it is not great for a man to have to use a condom and I’m tired of being told to be the responsible one and use the contraceptive pill to avoid pregnancy. It’s really only a small concern over sexually transmitted diseases.
Wait .. I’ve heard the famous argument too … the one that sets you and your lover aside from all the rest. Firstly, the notion that only certain races and sects of people contract STD’s is beyond naive. Secondly, that you believe that the person you are with has been completely honest with you is just as naive. But the saddest of all is the belief that you are the special one and that your lover is being safe with everyone else, but having the unprotected sex only with you.

So, how do we get around this controversial issue without losing out on the fun and joy of sex?
It’s not great for a guy to use a condom … we know that. If it’s got nothing to do with the guy and the girl hates it, then I empathise with you too … but those are all ego driven excuses and you have to decide if you are willing to spice it up and have other forms of fun until the time that you are sure you are in a committed relationship and you have both been tested and handed your test results over to your partner for personal verification? I kid you not!

Either way … everyone wants sex!
But unprotected sex allows someone to enter your body and potentially change your life forever? Choosing that person should begin by mutual respect and agreement to begin safe … if not, then surely you need to question your own self love and the respect that your sexual partner has for both them and you!

Or … is this your little way of playing Russian Roulette?

Subscribe to the RSS feed for future articles on how to spice up your sex life and have fun with the condom on.

Really just friends?

At my last morning get together with my girlfriends the topic swayed between a few hair-raising  online dating experiences, some relationship issues, our gratitude for the invention of laser hair removal and my friend with benefits.
Us girls meet about once every two months and the topic of my casual relationship with my friend always arises with the same questions hovering between concern, disapproval and support. Granted, girls tell each other way more than we should and they don’t like his reasons for not wanting a relationship with me. To be equally fair, my ‘friend’ isn’t what I’m looking for in a life partner either. He has grown to be a dear friend, companion and lover but the ingredients that are missing aren’t strong enough to tear us apart or pull us closer together either.

To be a couple and sustain a committed relationship you need to have the vital ingredients: Chemistry, Commitment and Communication (which I call the 3 C’s).
He and I have the chemistry and the communication, which is good enough to be friends, but the commitment to what we want out of a relationship isn’t there. Life doesn’t have to be all or nothing but if you can’t both agree on what the 3 C’s mean to you then your foundation of the conventional ‘couple’ might not be as solid as you think. If there is one C that outweighs the other then why not make that relationship work around it. Read the rest of this entry »

The majority of us have a relationship with our physical bodies that is riddles with wishes of change and unsatisfied glances in the mirror. Those unsatisfactory feelings towards our bodies makes a direct impact on how we share ourselves with others.
Inhibitions, poor body image and low self esteem are the passion killers of modern society and the saddest realisation is that it is totally self inflicted. No one gives you body issues unless you allow them to and no one makes you feel better about your body without your consent either. Before you can choose to enjoy the act of sex and revel in its abundant pleasures it gives your body, you have to allow your body the opportunity to let go of all inhibitions. No one with body issues has the ability to do that. Read the rest of this entry »

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who responded to my asking him how is day is as: “surviving”. My definition of survival and his might be totally different, but in my perception surviving something is a truly huge feat and one that I would be damn proud of. For him, however, he was no more eager to be at work than to socialise with friends or attempt to find one reason to be happy. He told me he has officially taken himself off the dating market because no women would want to be with a failure.

He is currently unemployed, divorced and living with family and this has obviously taken a hell of a knock on his self esteem and level of self worth. I, on the other hand am living with my mother, single and have not yet established my business enough to show much wealth in the form of money.
How does living with his sister differ from living with my mother? Does never having been married at the age of 37 differ from being divorced at the age of 39? Is unemployed and not yet creating a sustainable income much different? That all depends of how we choose to see our lives.

The extremities of feeling like a failure or opting to see where you are as not living your dreams is sometimes so severe that people commit suicide, fall prey to shame and therefore addiction and fall into the downward spiral of self sabotage and destruction.

My friend is on the brink of falling into a state of depression and all he can talk about is his failure at being able to live his dreams. Dreams that don’t relate to his self esteem at all, which is a given because of how easily he is prepared to give up on them. The dreams that he verbalises are extremely big (and so they should be), but without having the tools to equip himself with such dreams, he is bound to feel like a failure.

Failure is determined by a person’s inability to see anything they have done or attempted to do with any form of self worth or pride. It is not something that is benchmarked to anyone else’s expectation or perception of you. Failure has become associated with the inability to achieve within the expectations set out by society, and sadly, the reality is that many dreams are set out by the same benchmark. It has become expected that dreams are lavish, extravagant and huge.

The dreams that many people attempt to live don’t truly reflect your truth, but rather the most unconscious expectation of what dreams should be. The more attached you are to the ‘how’ of your dreams than to the ‘why’.
Some people argue that it is not necessary to ‘dream’: imagine in your mind all that you can bring into your reality. I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to have beautiful images of themselves that show a reflection of their ability to grow, achieve and make the most of their lives and their talents. I’ve also never fallen into the trap of being told that dreaming drags you out of the now and makes you clearly ungrateful with exactly where you are today or deflects from the immediate moment … because that is all that matters.
No … all of you matters. Your yesterday, today and tomorrow. All of that is impacted by one thing though: your ability to see the moment as perfect.
Life isn’t hard. It’s not unfair or unjust. Life is neutral! Life is what you make of it and how you choose to see it.

So are your dreams.
So is your perception of failure.
So is your perception of self if you are not where you thought you would be …

Dreams are merely a compass that point you in the direction of your next step. You still have to know why you chose that direction and how it would serve you to go that why. You have to answer to yourself why you packed all that you did for your trip towards your dreams and only you have the ability to take one step at a time toward whatever your dreams may be.

The reassuring message that I was trying to share with my friend is that it’s impossible to fail. It’s also impossible to not be living your dream. It all depends on how awake you are. It all weighs on you know why you are dreaming in the first place.

I’m not one for deleting anything I write or create, even if I might never have use for it as a writer. Today I was thinking about how it all began and remembered the first piece I ever wrote. We had done the basics of writing, including dialogue, tense, character and plot. Now the task was to write about something that we had not witness, but had experienced. It was tough, but I chose to write about a very dear friend of mine and the story as told my his mother.

This was the day I realised I was a writer:

“You’ll bring your washing tomorrow?

“Yes Ma.”

“And the empty Tupperware?”

“Yes Ma

“Don’t forget them like the last time. If you do, no matter I will collect them when I come to clean the flat”

“I’ll bring them Ma”

“Do you like the Fried Kibbi; I can make something else next time?”

“It’s perfect Ma, I love anything made by my Angel. Thank you Ma”

“Anything for my Boy”

“Anything Ma?”

“Why? I know that silly tone too well”

Charmaine felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation as her eyes caught a glimpse of the wall reminiscent of a shrine dedicated to her family.  The photos in the sitting room dated as far back as her great grandparents and ended just two months prior with the traditional Christmas celebration shared by all she lived for; in a home she cherished for as long as she had been a mother, grandmother and wife.

Her worn apron had been removed and folded neatly onto her lap during the time it took to dial the number and wait for her precious son to answer their routine phone call.  Every Friday was the same, as if ground hog day had captured the perfect mother-son relationship.

“Maybe not so much Lebanese food, Ma.  A man will still be well fed on some good old South African stuff Ma”

“It never did your father any good, God rest his soul.”  She closed her eyes and held his face in her mind as her rosary draped hand touched the tip of her temple and began its journey to her breast making the unyielding sign of the cross.  An action practiced well over five dozen times a day and always beginning as she opened her eyes and thanked her Saviour for her awakening.

“Maybe if he had eaten more of my cooking, he would have not left us so soon, God rest his soul.  A stubborn man your father …”

Her holy appendage moving slowly through her permanently kitchen scented fingers. As the combination of onion and cinnamon stained the wooden beads further, she thanked her Savoir yet again for giving her a son so strong, so gentle and so loving that he sustained the loss of her beloved, never allowing her to feel alone.  From such a young age he had shown the mark of a hero and she would always be his first rescue.

“I know Ma, a stubborn man.  Maybe some lasagne Ma.”  Bradley smirked imagining a pouting look overcome the face of his angelic mother.  He could see her now, sitting in the biggie best style arm chair, shoes lost somewhere between the aroma filled kitchen and the lounge.  He had tripped over a hundred pairs of shoes in his 33 year.  Each fight for balance, a symbol of the aching feet that never rested for fear of any one of her four children’s needs being unmet.

“Oh, so you wish you had an Italian mother, Lebanese is not good enough for you now that live in the South?”

“I’m joking Ma”

“I pity those boys.  Their mothers use supermarket pasta you know.  What do I use that comes from the supermarket, you tell me?”

“Nothing Ma, that I why I am the luckiest son in the world.  I love you Ma, and your cooking.  You are my angel Ma”

Although her tone had changed, he held the image of her gentle smile and piercing brown eyes, knowing full well that her long, perfectly manicured fingers were nearing the small wooden cross on the end of her rosary.  Her elbow resting gently on her tailored navy pants, that no doubt perfectly matched her summer kissed blouse.

“Not even the sauce is made by those mothers anymore; you can buy it ready made now.  What can you buy ready-made that I make for you?”

He could smell it now, the hedonistic masterpiece still made as traditionally as her emigrated grandparents had prepared it.  He couldn’t wait to hold her plump, long body in his 6 foot frame; to breathe in the mixture of lamb and mint from her neatly combed dark brown hair.  He could imagine it silvering with time and anguish beneath its tinted roots.  He knew so well that much of that silver was owing to his life choices.  He could not think of being anyone else, as if the warrior lived within him; feeling her anguish every time she laid eyes on his bullet proof vest.

“I can hear it you know Ma?” His head cocked to one side to support the phone on his broad shoulder so he could remove the gun from the curve of his muscular back.  Surely she could stop praying now; his day was done and in less than 20 steps he would be in his car heading home to live the life of a civilian for a couple of days.  Being a public protector was his birthright, if only that damn bullet had not taken him out of the field and into the office job.  He craved it, the smell of ammunition, heavy armour strapped to his body; leading the riot team through the streets of the city centre.  He reminisced about standing in front of the President of his County ready to take the bullet at any time, if only that shooting hadn’t done so much damage.  Maybe he couldn’t blame her, with a handful of bullet wounds scattered through his fearless body, not counting the self inflicted hole in his right bum cheek; and with that memory he checked the safety latch on more time. Those days were over, surely by now she could give Jesus a break.

“More nonsense to drive your poor mother crazy.  What do you hear? You know my ways, that’s all, you hear nothing, but I hear you.  You are laughing at me. Go ahead and laugh”

Her thoughts never wavering from the loving conversation; an equally important conversation with her God motioned through her mind.  ‘Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.’

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph keep me sane my boy.  You should be thanking them for my sanity with the number of times my heart has stopped thanks to you.  Maybe you should come to Church on Sunday …”

“Ok Ma”

“Father asks about you often; always with a cocked brow.”

“I know ma, and I wonder how come he knows to cock his brow.  What is my Angel telling him, ha ma?  Anyway your prayers are a thousand times more powerful than mine. Thank you for your prayers ma, they keep me alive”

“You keep me alive my son and I thank Our Lord Jesus every day for …” “Bradley, Bradley … BRADLEY … Answer me … what was that bang … it sounded like a shot … BRADLEY …”

“Jesus, make him answer me … my son … my boy … ANSWER ME”

As if pulled by the same heartstring and in perfect synchronicity, the holy appendage and her only son hit the floor at the same time … both dead before her.

The only thing you are doing wrong is expecting any of this work to make life easier, take away suffering or exempt you from pain.  The misconception of any spiritual work is the ease with which your life will flow if you choose an alternate way of thinking or living.  All of the tools from religion to spirituality are meant to lay the foundation of your belief system and build your strength in that very system so that when pain and suffering emerge, you are not afraid. Read the rest of this entry »